Monday 3 June 2013

            So anyway, after having sat ever so patiently for 8 thousand million years, doing next to nothing except drinking beer & watching  the universal fruit machine for three cherries in a row, finally a solar system that might be suitable for organic life comes up. So biblegod then spends another thousand million years trying to ping the tiddly wink into the cup,  using every sort of trick of chemistry including a fair bit of lightning & cosmic rays to get RNA up and running. Finally out of pure frustration he picks up asteroids and starts hurling them at Earth along with a fair bit of abuse, " Good for nothing piece of shit ".  The big pointing finger turns from, " It could be you " to " It is ". God shouts, " Hallelujah, I haven't the foggiest what i did but it worked, everyone needs a bit of luck from time to time " Then after another 2 billion years, of lying about idly, he is ready to use his  borosilicate pipette to fertilize the lucky ones with ambrosia nectar.  No sooner does a drop hit the membrane than he hears a tiny crack and watches in horror as the whole picture fractures into a billion splinters. Then a few moments later it dawns on him that not only has he failed to carry out a  Health & Safety risk assessment   but also he now begins to remember a similar disaster in his last universe & had he not been in such a rush of excitement would have consulted his notes  & might not have blown it again. To make matters even worse such was his over confidence in his abilities that he hadn't used insurance. He is so mortified of the whole thing that he can hardly bare to go to work each day and  pulls a sickie, quite typical of the withdrawal model, which is why he wasn't seen around much.

At any rate after another 200,000 years humans manage to teach themselves how to read & write. By this time god is in danger of getting the P45 so he thinks he'd better put in an appearance at work, plus it will be his holidays in a couple of weeks anyway and he won't enjoy them if he is sick rather than having official leave. So then, still smarting with embarrassment & in denial, god tries to minimize the magnitude of his cock up by telling humans that actually it was just a mere weeks work and anyway it was really the fault of this other cowboy subcontractor who didn't follow his COSHH guidelines . It was the fault of humans, don't ask, just cause.

However by this time the humans are adolescents and ask biblegod how come he didn't  follow best practice to which he replies that unless they be like little children they would get what for. But from that moment god diminished in greatness even more in their eyes. Their childhood illusions shattered they just had to face  reality.

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