Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Parody on Genesis 2v7. Eve was created first, on the eve of Adam

My parody ReWrit on Genesis 2v7

In the beginning the first Homo sapiens God created was Eve. God saw that she was very beautiful and fell in love with her, one thing led to another but to cut a long story short they had a fling. Nine months later Adam was born. God excused himself by saying, "Well at least it saved me from having to do surgery and from now on Adam will have to pander to woman's every whim in order to make up for my sin of emission"
This explains why all men are bastards who have delusions of grandeur thinking they are God's gift to the world when in fact they are the result of a moment of madness.
Also it means that women are damn right when they say, "For God's sake will you do some house work around here"
Unless men do what women tell them to do then God will be very angry with them.
This myth also explains why Eve was called eve - because she was created on the eve of Adam
And Adam called Eve, "Womban" because she had a womb from which the lowly animal Adam was born

The term "all men are bastards" is a colloquialism / slang for, " Men have a tendency to do things which women find annoying, like not behaving as their better half would like; expecting love without financial commitment etc"

Parody on Iron Maiden track, "Sign of the cross" from their X factor album

Eleven religiously deluded men, silhouettes looming against the sky One in front with a cross held high, come to speak his lies anyway
Standing alone in the wind and rain feeling calm, my fears have subsided Sensing the change in the tide again brought by the storm that is brewing Feeling no anxiety as I remember the reasons to doubt the things I once believed Now that science & reason has passed the test nothing to do but await what is coming Why then fear 'God' ? No harm befalls me when I don't believe in the supernatural. By Richard Dawkins I am blessed with an inner strength, some they would call it atheism I face this like Carl Sagan saying extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence Praying to a God who isn't there won't help me. I feel the freedom start to rise They'll be saying their prayers when troubles come But I won't fret my way through life, there's no judgement day May the guilty weep when that law man comes, may the law prevent & prevail, take them away to jail The sign of the cross; the name of the fraud, clouded over the sky, the sigh of the cross There will be no cosmic apocalypse, it was out of date 1900 years ago, there will be no immortality Life evolved by natural selection, not magical creator, no God, so at death I will rest The sign of the double helix, the fact of evolution on an 4.5 billion year old sphere, a universe with billions of galaxies, a heliocentric solar system Eleven saintly deluded men come to speak their lies anyway

Eleven saintly shrouded men silhouettes stand against the sky One in front with a cross held high come to wash my sins awayStanding alone in the wind and rain feeling the fear that is growing Sensing the change in the tide again brought by the storm that is brewing Feel the anxiety hold off the fear some of the doubts in the things you believe Now that your faith will be put to the test nothing to do but await what is comingWhy then is God still protecting me even when I don't deserve it Thought I am blessed with an inner strength some they would call it a penance Why am I meant to face this alone asking the question time and again Praying to God won't keep me alive inside my head feel the fear start to riseThey'll be saying their prayers when the moment comes there'll be penance to pay when it's judgement day And the guilty will bleed when that moment comes they'll be coming to claim, take your soul away The sign of the cross the name of the rose, a fire in the sky the sign of the crossThey'll be coming to bring the eternal flame they'll be bringing us all immortality Holding communion so the world be blessed my creator, my God will lay my soul to rest The sign of the cross the name of the rose, a fire in the sky the sign of the crossLost the love of heaven above chose the lust of the earth below Eleven saintly shrouded men came to wash my sins away

Saturday, 25 October 2014


How is it that so many people can watch ghost stories with ghosts passing easily through solid walls and yet they don't immediately question why would the stone  need to roll away from in front of the tomb of Jesus to let him out ? Physicists like Lawrence Krauss tell us that physical materials are actually mostly empty space at atomic level.  Even Luke 24v36 has Jesus appear as if by magic in front of the disciples. V37 they thought they saw a ghost. v38 somehow it doesn't dawn on Jesus why it should be a bit scary to appear out of thin air. Strangely none of the disciples asked, " How did you manage to appear out of thin air, where did you teleport from ? " What about v32 which might have been 7 miles away in Emmaus, which has Jesus magically disappear from two of his followers and yet they don't say, " Wow how could he disappear into thin air " also back at v40 these two followers don't say, "Jesus disappeared into thin air from before our very eyes at Emmaus, neat trick Jesus".

John20v19 has Jesus appear and stand among the disciples even though the door was locked.

Matt 27v51 Has the tombs break open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life, but again why would any tomb need to break? Couldn't these ghosts have drifted though solid stone ? Isn't it just a way whereby the author makes the story more dramatic and tangible ? 

See the Youtube video on "Madtv" of the parody of Terminator going back to the supposed life of Jesus to prevent his death by assassinating Judas. Jesus brings Judas back to life again so that Judas will be able to betray him. 
Anyway the video makes a glowing light at Jesus hands  as Jesus restores Judas but I doubt if light would be necessary for the healing [ Saw this link in " Killing history" by Robert M. Price.]

Was the original tale about Jesus just a prank ghost story or play that some people later mistook to be an account of factual events ?

Parody of Nunnery scene from Shakespeare’s play, “Hamlet”

To believe or not to believe,
that is the question ?
Fact or fiction ?
Whether these stories really happened
Or were they just made up,
figments of ghost writers’ imaginations ?
Accurate accounts of historical reality or distortions, exaggerations ?
Mere retelling of ancient lore ?
Alas poor Jesus. Did anyone know him well ?
If we held his skull it would show that someone by that name lived, but was he only a puppet or ventriloquist’s dummy?
Entombed like a Pharaoh mummy ?
Luke 18v19, why do you call me good ?
when so much of what I say is dumb & rude
Would it be as foolish as the Egyptian belief to think that he sailed a barque across the heavens?
A popish pilot steering St. Peter’s Barque, Jings crivvens ?
Help ma boab
O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
To see oursels from an evolutionary perspective!

Wednesday, 22 October 2014


A parody on the Abrahamic creation story:
Adam and Eveolution
ReWrit Genesis 2v20 "From all the animals no suitable helper was found for Adam"

And it came to pass that one day Adam wondered if it would be possible to have a cross breed between a human and other primates and so he did have romantic relations with some of the other species of great apes. Well after a few years when God happened to be walking by
God said to Adam, " What on Earth are you doing?".
Adam replied, " I thought it would be an interesting experiment to see if I could have a human cross ape child, but I have been trying for years now and so far there has been no offspring"
 God said unto Adam, " Speciation old chap, speciation. You see there has been too much evolutionary divergence between the species of which you are an example and the species you have been having monkey business with. So although you share a distant ancestor with these females it will not be possible for you to have a cross breed child by them. Your sperm will not be able to fertilize the egg within them. An ancestor of yours might have managed it 4 million years ago but not now. Basically give it up. In any case don't you realize that there are females of your own species, why don't you take one of them as your wife?"
Adam said, " Well they don't look much different from these apes"
God replied, " Here, i think you need to wear this pair of glasses"
Adam tried them on and said, "Wow, I was blind but now I see"


Maybe, "The bad Jesus", could also be titled in a parody of Romans 3v23, "How Jesus falls short of the glory of God" or 
" Instances of where the behaviour of Jesus falls short of what you would expect of a loving, caring, honest, smart, all powerful son of a God/ divine being"
I read "Fighting words" by Hector Avalos and was mighty impressed, one of the best. 
The contents of, "The Bad Jesus" looks promising too.
I've started on, "The End of Biblical studies". I see in his conclusion his favoured option is
3. Retain biblical studies, but redefine its purpose so that it is tasked with eliminating completely the influence of the Bible in the modem world
(Kindle Locations 4398-4399).
Would that mean, "eliminating the harmful aspect of the Bible"?
If people used wikipedia to look up each different word in the Bible then they could very quickly get a wide picture of the history of religion.
I think one of the biggest problems is with ministers keeping the congregations in the dark about all that is known. A few weeks reading through the books of Hector Avalos, John W. Loftus, Robert M. Price etc would save decades of fretting and let the reader laugh at religion & also more fully see the funny side of films like, "Life of Brian" and other skeptical satire.
I see "The bad Jesus " has a section on Jesus using a whip to drive money changers from the temple. John 2v18 has the Jews demand a miracle to prove his authority. How is it that the Son of God didn't manage to use supernatural abilities like a modern day comic hero? Looks a bit mundane to use a whip when even Elisha is said to have been able to pray and have the Arameans struck blind in 2 Kings 6v18.
Why didn't Jesus say, "Remember Zechariah was struck dumb when he doubted the angel's message in the Temple 30 years ago (Luke 1v20) so you too will all be struck dumb until you leave these courts"
{What sort of signs did Zechariah make in Luke 1v22 to explain that he was going to have intercourse with his wife Elizabeth and get her pregnant ? Could he not write ?}
Why didn't God shout down from the sky as in Matt 3v17, only this time, "This is my Son, do what he says or you're dead" Why didn't God just make the money changers faint ?
Why did Jesus not have a sort of hypnotic stare to make those around him accept and believe all that he said ? Why didn't Jesus have lightning power rays coming from his hands similar to Force Lightning when the Emperor Palpatine is going to kill Luke Skywalker in," Return of the Jedi" ( just before Darth Vader picks the Emperor up and throws him down the Death Star's reactor shaft.)
Why didn't a host of angels appear to make the money changers sore afraid like the shepherds in Luke 2v9. Or a sky filled with chariots of fire like 2 Kings 6v17
Why didn't he just lift all the traders up with telekinesis superpowers, like Yoda the Grand master of the Jedi order, without having to physically touch them? Cause it was just fiction and the Bible authors didn't have the more developed imagination of modern novelists ?
Why didn't Jesus give a cure for leprosy like what modern medicine has shown possible instead of allegedly just doing a few isolated magic tricks.
Why didn't Jesus hang around after his claimed resurrection ? By using the abilities that the O.T. claims God had then it should have been easy for Jesus to journey around the world and make sure everyone in the world had heard the message within a few years.
Here are superior Son of God powers, see Youtube
Star Wars Philosophy :: Force Telekinesis (a lecture by Jonathan Barlow Gee)
Jon Gee channel

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Parody on "Jesus we enthrone you" by Don Moen

I love this melody, it is one of my favourites and I have sung it many times in church.
However have you noticed Luke 22v36 has Jesus telling his disciples to sell their cloak in order to buy a sword if they do not already have one? This happens maybe the day before Jesus is arrested on the Mount of Olives. At the arrest, one of the disciples used his sword to strike off the ear of the High Priest, John 18v10 says it was Simon Peter. So how come that Jesus thought he needed to resort to using swords instead of relying on his guardian angels or other supernatural abilities ? Look at 2 Kings 6v18 which has Elisha pray and the Arameans become blind or what about Acts 5 which has Peter speak to Ananias to which he drops dead or what about Acts 12v23 which has Herod drop dead for merely failing to give praise to God ? Can Jesus calm storms on the Sea of Galilee but not calm human behaviour ? Now adays it is easy to make the excuse that angels don't act to protect people from abuse, things were different in Bible times ? Yet we see even Jesus didn't expect any help from angels even though the devil reminded him in Luke 4v10 of Psalm 91v11 "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully" What if Peter at Luke 22v38 had said, " but what about Psalm 91v11 ?" would Jesus have replied as in Matt 16v23, " Get behind me Satan." ?  Is this to say, " Only my interpretation of scripture is valid" ?
So although there are some good ideas in the Bible such as the golden rule and maybe some of our modern laws are derived or evolved partly from ideas seen in the Bible, i post below my parody on,"Jesus,we enthrone you". I am only prepared to follow the best of Jesus' ideas but the rest of them I'll leave at the side of my plate.

Jesus we dethrone you,
we proclaim you are fraud
Having studied Debunking Chrisitianity, 
we think there probably are no gods
and as we study we see clearly,
 the things that are false that we once  held dear
but instead of sadness we give a cheer
to think there is no cosmic hell

See Youtube 

Jesus, we enthrone you - DON MOEN 

Praise and worship channel

Parody on Eurythmics, "Thorn in my side"

This is a song directed at "Jesus" or priests in general and their scriptures

Thorns in my brain that is what your halo's mostly been
Confusing texts, it's not clear what they really mean
Were you a witch doctor or purely mythical ?
you claim to make men better but you really made me ill.

To run away from you, is what I want to do
To refute your errant ideas, is what I want to do
To run away from you, is what I want to do
To refute your errant ideas, is what I want to do

Paralysis of mind achieved by Bible verses so unkind
did I suffer blinkered vision or was I nearly half blind ?
I was feeling complicated, a feeling of great gloom
I was bound up in tangled cords at your threats of doom

See Youtube 

Eurythmics - Thorn In My Side, CenturyHitMusic channel

Donald Trump has often spoken in broad generalizations which are as effective as using an axe to do micro surgery. I don't agree with his idea of banning whole groups of people, it was inflammatory.
I think politicians need to encourage everyone to read more widely and in greater detail. Politicians need to make policies which enable people to acquire a greater understanding of the findings of up to date science. Well Wikipedia, Youtube and the google box could go a long way to improving people's general knowledge. What about if Trump recommended that people check out each word of Scripture on Wikipedia - that could help everyone end up with a broader perspective. People would see that there are many reasonable interpretations of each passage. They would also end up doing a study of comparative religion and history of religion.
Maybe given the wars over religion in the world Trump should read out:
1 John 2v9, "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness" 
1 John 3v14," We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death, Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life."
1 John 4v8, "Whoever does not love does not know God"
Matthew 5v22 is one of the bits of the Bible that I like best. It says something along the lines of ~ don't call people, "You fool" which is a very generalized comment. It doesn't go on to offer a better alternative. I think this is also connected with the 5th commandment idea of "Honour / Respect your parents & others"
Matthew 5v22 also has, "Anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgement"
I think the better thing is to try to make your comment specific to the action or idea in question. To be more specific you could say, "I think that would be a foolish thing to do / say" I think it would be acceptable to speak like that.
In a similar way the comment, "I hate you" is too generalized. It sounds better if it is put in more specific terms: "I hate what you did just now, I hate that idea"
I think this could be made more specific if you use one of the other words denoting the various shades of emotion. "I'm really annoyed about one aspect of what you did. I think that you spent more money on it than i was willing to spend and you didn't even ask whether I would agree" with the reply, "I'm sorry but I think it is really worth the extra money, just look at all the extra things it can do, the other one wouldn't have been adequate"
Actually the Bible verses I quoted from Matthew & 1 John put their ideas in an overly severe manner. Just because you are furious about something that your neighbour has done doesn't by any stretch mean that you would lash out at them to cause physical injury let alone murder or that you would wish them harm. Mostly you would only just wish that there was a way to convince them of you point of view. Most time people see that over reacting would be counter productive.
However I do think there could be some tendency that if you go around name calling and speaking in gross generalizations then it could inflame the situation but not necessarily. Some people can laugh at a slagging off and just put it down to banter. I think it depends whether you can see through the generalized language to the specific thing that underlies it - to read between the lines and make out what they would have said if they had taken the time to give a more detailed account.; It is a trade of between easy broad brush strokes and finely painted detail.
When your sibling screams, "I hate you" it usually means something like, "I'm livid that you borrowed my clothes without asking then dumped them back in the bottom of my wardrobe, dirty, and now I don't have them to wear for my important meeting" but they might be too enraged to put it so clearly.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Was Jesus a Witch doctor, Happy Hellowean

 I think the Bible is mostly the word of witch doctors, so how about a Happy Helloween card with Jesus riding on a broomstick that looks suspiciously  like a cross between his legs.  Across the top of the card: " Why didn't Jesus fly over to the Americas and bring back chocolate treats for the Old World kids ?"  { Sarcastically}: Well maybe he did and then told the kids to keep it a secret. It would be very tempting for children not to tell anyone about their secret stash of chocolate that Jesus had given them.  Jesus could have given them a never emptying jar of chocolates as in Elijah's oil jar of 1 Kings 17v16. Maybe Jesus encouraged them to keep the secret by warning, "Now keep the chocolate a secret kids or I'll send you to hell forever"  Is Christianity the ultimate treat or trick ?  

   What about a Hallowean card with Jesus wearing a witches hat with a thorny halo above it stirring his cauldron with soup made from wing of bat, leg of toad & some reptiles & rats after Acts 10v12, "four footed animals, reptiles, birds". The caption would have Peter saying, "Surely not, Lord. I'd rather go to McDonald's" and Jesus replying,"Woe to him who betrays the Son of Man. Eat or be damned, I poured blood sweat and tears into making this"

p.s  I thought I was joking about the bat but I have just remembered about Leviticuss 11v13-19 which lists bat as a bird.

Monday, 6 October 2014

If Eve had tasted forbidden knowledge she would have realized life eveolved.


If Eve really had eaten a fruit of forbidden knowledge then she would have realized that 'God' had been lying to Adam and that in fact organic life on Earth started about 3.6 billion years ago and evolved from there by natural selection, i.e without the assistance of a deity. She would also have realized that the Americas split away from Europe & Africa over 100 million years ago and that many of the best food crops lay over the pond in America out of reach, so Eve would have pointed out that Adam had not been given a chance to name all the plants and animals since if the garden of Eden was in Babylonia it only had Old World plants and animals, and only a percentage of the possible Old World crops at that.
So with a whiff of this forbidden knowledge Eve would have cottoned on to the idea that either God was making stuff up or that Adam was making stories up about God. At any rate she would pretty soon be demanding that Adam get across to America and bring back some of the forbidden and out of reach chocolate if he wanted to touch the other forbidden fruits she had to offer him.

Eve should have also realized that the "Garden of Eden" was in fact a bit of an Orwellian wilderness intellectually and materially, rough experience with bush tucker, very short lifespan, pain in childbirth, tooth ache, disease, fights for survival etc and that in fact there was a  much more promising way of living that could be achieved by slamming the door on the God delusion & taking massive leaps in information and technology as witnessed in the best of what the 21st Century can offer : in pain free dentistry, much reduced pains of child birth, more interesting activities to fill ones life with, several more decades life expectancy, freedom from worries about non-existent religious threats, much more diverse diet, better clothing, hygiene, you name it. [ however also in some cases polluted water, air & general environment depending on location & lots of new troubles and stresses ]

Sunday, 5 October 2014

The theory of angels has had its chips

The Bible has very rare moments pointing to reality.
Acts 23v8,” The Sadducees say that there is no resurrection, and that there are neither angels nor spirits ” ,well said by them, unfortunately it is only a set up for the apologist to give his punchline Acts 23v8, ” but the Pharisees acknowledge them all ”
Mark 11v18, ” Then the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection ”
Lukw 20v27, ” Some of the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection ”
But these comments are said in an attempt to have them refuted by an appeal to authority – from Jesus – Luke 20v35 ” In the resurrection from the dead…and they can no longer die for they are like the angels”
Acts 17v18 has Paul meet a group of Epicurean and Stoic philosophers who dispute with him and say, ” What is this Babbler trying to say ?”
Pity Acts doesn’t quote the Epicurean paradox
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” — ‘
The same could be said of angels, why do they achieve virtually nothing, do they not exist ?
It is propaganda spin to miss out key bits of information. Did the authors of the Bible texts deliberately miss out information that would have shown Babble ideas to be nunsense ?
Since Epicure is a variety of potato I think the other epicurean paradox is how come no Old World priest predicted the existence of potatoes in the Americas and how come no angel flew a few seed spuds over to Europe a few millennium earlier? The theory of the existence of angels has had its chips.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

The evolution of Jesus, which component parts coalesced to touch down as the Christ ?

Before the gospel stories about Jesus Christ formed there were possibly forerunners that bore similarities, What if a fictional teacher of righteousness story was superimposed on the Jewish religious custom of Purim ? Then the story got fleshed out by rewriting  Elijah & Elisha as Jesus. In the same way that Christmas and Easter were overlayed on previous 'pagan' myths maybe the N.T. was just a warping of older customs and folklore ?
Some of the early plant cell life was a symbiotic relationship between various organelles. So various independent units maybe coalesced to form the Jesus story ?

In, " The Golden Bough " chapter 5 " The crucifixion of Christ / the scapegoat " James George Frazer looks at the possibility that there was a real raving rabbi Jesus who got caught up in the Jewish festival of Purim. Oxford university press edition
 p 666 - " We have seen reason to think that the Jewish festival of Purim is a continuation, under a changed name, of the Babylonian Sacaea, [ p642-652 ]and that in celebrating it by the destruction of an effigy of Haman the modern Jews have kept up a reminiscence of the ancient custom of crucifying or hanging a man in the character of a god at the festival. Is it not possible that at an earlier time they may, like the Babylonians themselves, have regularly compelled a criminal to play the tragic part, and that Christ thus perished in the character of Haman ? The resemblance between the hanged Haman and the crucified Christ struck the early Christians themselves; and whenever the Jews destroyed an effigy of Haman they were accused by their Christian neighbours of deriding the most sacred mystery of the new faith."
  p670 " The hypothesis that the crucifixion with all its cruel mockery was not a punishment specially devised for Christ, but was merely the fate that annually befell the malefactor who played Haman, appears to go some way towards relieving the Gospel narrative of certain difficulties which otherwise beset it. If,as we read in the gospels, Pilate was really anxious to save the innocent man whose fine bearing seams to have struck him, what was to hinder him from doing so? He had the power of life and death; why should he not have exercised it on the side of mercy, if his own judgement inclined that way? His reluctant acquiescence in the importunate demand of the rabble becomes easier to understand if we assume that custom obliged him annually at this season to give up to them a prisoner on whom they might play their cruel pranks. On this assumption Pilate had no power to prevent the sacrifice; the most he could do was to choose the victim.
   Again, consider the remarkable statement of the Evangelists that Pilate set up over the cross a superscription stating that the man who hung on it was king of the Jews. Is it likely that in the reign of Tiberius a Roman governor, with the fear of the jealous and suspicious old emperor before his eyes, would have ventured, even in mockery, to blazon forth a seditious claim of this sort unless it were the regular formula employed on such occasions, recognized by custom, and therefore not liable to be misconstrued into treason by the malignity of informers and the fears of a tyrant ? "....
  "The part of Mordecai was played by Barabbas "
   p 674 ~ "the theme of such dying & rising gods was common over Western Asia and may help to explain the spread of the Christ story."
  My opinion - what if someone hung a new story on the tradition of Purim. It was any old person who was hung as Haman but gospel authors made the event mean something else, rewriting the O.T. supermen Elijah & Elisha into the new adventures of superman Jesus. Several threads converged in the gospels ? But for Jesus to be a hero he needed to cancel Hades otherwise to only save a select few is to behave barbarically

On WEIT article,” Rabbi Sacks goes after atheists ” 29th September 2014. At comment 16. Simon Hayward posted the hilarious Youtube video of “Not the Nine O’clock news,Monty Python Worshipers”, kanizu00 channel, which reversed the idea of who was doing a parody – with a film, ” The life of Jesus Christ ” being a parody on the real life of John Cleese (ref to life of Brian }
So the link is with the life of Jesus Christ being a parody on the Esther, Mordecai, Haman story which itself is a parody on the Babylonian festival of Sacaea or Zakmuk in the spring month of Nisan in March/April held in honour of the god Marduk during which the person playing the part of Zoganes dies. Zoganes during his five days in office personated not merely a king but a god, whether that god was the Babylonian Marduk or some other deity is not yet identified.

Before the cotton cloth canvas was woven there were threads and a structure – loom & gin, before the threads there was cotton on a bush, before the bush there were seeds.
There were religious customs & structures & temples before the Jesus story got going, there was also a lot of scripture material, plenty of other myths and legends.
Is the Jesus story a cotton twill textile like Denim or plain woven fabric ?