Sunday, 31 August 2014


If people were to go through the Bible and look up each of the words in a decent encyclopedia or even just wikipedia then that would expand their knowledge & I think they should soon see that the Bible is mostly fairytales with only a few specks of reality. But what of Biblegod's ignorance of the existence of the New World & Australia; a glaring omission? No priest or Imam prophesied it. Only Joseph Smith wrote it into his scriptures after the event.
If Jesus had told his disciples about the New World in his Old Word book then the Old World might have discovered the New World foods 1500 years sooner and enjoyed foods native to the Americas such as: sweetcorn - corn flour custard - popcorn, avocado, potatoes, tomatoes, sweet & chili peppers, pumpkin, courgette, vanilla orchid pods, peanuts, pineapple, green beans, coca-cola, modern large strawberries come from Fragaria virginiana from eastern North America and Fragaria chiloensis, which was brought from Chile , not forgetting the turkey. ( Maybe Jesus was afraid that people would discover tobacco and become addicted so kept the whole Americas thing secret but then why, after they already had got hold of tobacco, did he never tell anyone about the risk of cancer from inhaling the tobacco smoke ? Should he be sued for negligence ?)
Science & reason can allow people to see the funny side of religion. It is a delicious irony that chocolate eggs are such a prominent feature of Easter because Jesus did nothing to help find the Easter eggs, he kept it a secret and offered Peter snakes instead: Acts 10v12.
Hey just imagine that the Book of Mormon story about Jesus flying over to America after his ascension  was real, then you would have Jesus enjoying the  Mayan chocolates while offering his friend Peter snakes . Maybe Peter should have replied to the visionary voice, " Get behind me Satan " ?
In fact Jesus silence about the existence of the Americas may have been interpreted as saying that there was no major new information to tell about the continents of Earth. It looks like he did not use his talents to their full. The rolling of Easter eggs could symbolize the rolling away of the myths of relegion & of the individual leaving Plato /Freud's cave / tomb.
Atheism is the appliance of science which enables us to pull the Easter bunny out of the hat.
With 21st century knowledge, all things can work for good for those who love truth. Thanksgiving, Christmas & Easter foods can be a celebration that science, reason and scripture scholarship have been the tools to help us work out, beyond reasonable doubt, that Christianity is largely based on myth and that the Bible is more akin to novels like the historical fictions of Sir Walter Scott or play by William Shakespeare. Not totally false but not nearly all true.
When I tuck into turkey I think, " Jesus is stuffed ".
When I eat pumpkin pie with maple syrup I think, " Jesus coach and horses has turned back into a pumpkin, four mice, a rat and a lizard." [ you can decide for yourself which member of the clergy is the mouse, rat and lizard ]
When I eat potato crisps I think " Man can not live on bread alone so why didn't Jesus tell us about potatoes ?"
And when I raise a glass of coca cola I might say " No thanks to the abrahamic gods, they never revealed the Americas to any of their followers "
America the land of the free, or freedom from religion, if people were aware of their roots.
Old Testament God implied that the world was flat, people were afraid of falling off the edge of the ocean. Levi ti cuss 11v22 offers people locusts when it could have told them about tomatoes & peanuts.
Luke 4v5 has the devil show Jesus all the kingdoms of the world but Jesus keeps the existence of America secret from everyone.
Acts 10v12 Could have fisherman Peter see a vision of a table cloth with New World foods spread on it and a voice commanding him to sail over the pond with the gospel and receive chocolate etc as his reward. Instead Peter is offered reptiles. ' [ note that Matt 7v10 says who would give their son a snake when they asked for chocolate ]
No religious leader predicted the existence of the Americas or Australia before Christopher Columbus bumped into the Americas and even he thought he'd found far side of the far east.
Real history shows the scriptures to be mostly made up, invented history, a warped history of the world. Science turns the scriptures into a joke book. Higher criticism has the tools to solve the Bible puzzle, but even a child could use a rule of thumb and decide the minister is just making stuff up.

Put the old & the new together. Compare the Old World with the New World
Compare the Old Bible superstitions with New 21st Century clearer more realistic knowledge.
Add the sugar cane, native to India to the cocoa from America to make chocolate
Add the coca leaves to the Kola nut from Africa along with sugar cane to make coca-cola

Saturday, 30 August 2014


                 I think it is a delicious irony that chocolate eggs are such a prominent feature of Easter because Jesus did nothing to help the Old World discover the food crops native to the New World. In fact the absence of any mention of the Americas from Jesus could have been interpreted as saying that there was nothing else of worth to be known about the geography of the world. Luke 4v5 says that the devil showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world. So why did Jesus not pass on this joyous news ?

     Perhaps rolling the chocolate Easter egg can symbolize rolling away religious myth ?

     Perhaps the Easter bunny can symbolize pulling the rabbit out of the hat ?

             Realizing that Jesus was content for the Americas to remain ignorant of his gospel for a further 1500 years and also to let the Old World suffer without the New World foods for the same time can cast doubt on his claims of love & truth and treating others as you would want them to treat you. What Jesus? Would you not have enjoyed chocolate, peanuts, potatoes, tomatoes, avocado, squash, pumpkin, maple syrup, sweet corn / pop corn / custard powder, sweet & chilli peppers, vanilla ? Was Jesus afraid that folk from the Old World would get addicted to tobacco or cocaine  or get to drinking too much coca cola ?

    So one of the best evidences against the existence of Jesus is chocolate
  Why was it, "Give us this day our daily bread " rather than " Give us this day our daily chocolate ?"
Why did the Holy Spirit who was supposed to lead folk into all truth not reveal America ( John 16v13)

  Atheism is the appliance of science. Science turns the Bible into funny fiction or rather shows which points in the Bible stories are not real. Google each of the words and ideas mentioned in the Bible, look them up on a good encyclopedia or wikipedia then you will be lead into all truths known so far.

" Christianity is no real "  The New Testament has many verses which mention virtues such as truth, love, honesty, justice, mercy but i think that Jesus had his wires crossed on many points. So much so that Christianity became a run away train. However changing the set of points back again might bring the train to roll safely into the station. The Bible has failed in the detail by linking love to actions and ideas which are not loving, linking Truth to stories which are not true. Or rather the stories are a mixture of true and false, good and evil, light and dark, civilized and barbaric, sane and insane, real and fantasy.
   I used to think that God / Jesus was not all there but now I wonder if he isn't there at all
   I used to think that there was something not quite right about the Bible but now I wonder if there is anything much right about it at all.
    Pass me another hot cross bun, that just about symbolizes it.

Thursday, 28 August 2014


Jesus 'n' Mo hid the chocolates from yo

"Who of you would give your son a snake when he asked for fish ?" - God - Matt 7v10 Vs Acts 10v12


Going for the messages.

Acts 10v9-17 has a story about Peter's vision in which the O.T. taboos on eating certain animals are negated. Well pork might be a welcome addition to the diet but as for the reptiles/snake - who is "god" kidding. I'd rather be vegetarian. However when you think of all the delicious New World foods that could have been shown in the vision it makes god's behaviour look quite dastardly.
"god" could have shown Peter; chocolate, potato chips & tomato sauce, Pumpkin pie & maple syrup, popcorn etc and told him, " Go, sail over the pond with the gospel and I will give you these treats as a reward "

   Neither the Bible or Koran has any knowledge of the New World or its foods. Religion is unable to generate new information about reality but warps ideas already common in the cultural milieu into its scriptures. Religious scriptures demonstrate creativity unbounded by reality - fantasies- but that creativity is very much constrained by preceding dogmas.

Acts 10v9- " Peter fell into a trance. He saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by it's four corners. It contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles of the earth and birds of the air " Then a voice told him, " Get up, Peter, Kill and eat "

Rewrit: And Peter replied, " Well there was never any sound health & safety reason to put a taboo on eating pork ( that was a taboo adopted from the ancient Egyptian superstitions ) as long as the pork was  within its sell by date, well cooked, had been butchered in hygienic conditions & not suffering from disease but as for the other animals; you can go to hell if you expect me to eat snakes, lizards, spiders, badger, hedgehog, wolf, rat etc and it would be better for bio-diversity to leave most of the species of birds capable of sustained flight alone. You don't want the people of Malta getting into bad habits of shooting the swifts, warblers & turtle doves. Aren't there some better things in the world to eat that we haven't discovered yet ? In any case I'm quite disappointed that you haven't lifted the Lev 11v9 taboo on lobster, crab,  fur seals and whales (though I expect over fishing of these could be a problem in the distant future ) After all won't Matt 7v10 be written in a few decades time, " Which of you, if his son asks for a fish will give him a snake ? If you then know how to give good gifts to your children, does that mean that god's behaviour is worse than yours if he gives you snake ? And what if he gave you locusts instead of chocolate ?" "

Note Acts 11v6 has Peter add wild beasts to the list of things he saw on the sheet despite having been shown it three times ( Acts 10v16 ) The disciples didn't score highly on observation, or IQ for that matter.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Why did Jesus not sail across the Atlantic to the Americas ?

       The gospel stories claim that Jesus was able to calm the storms on the sea of Galilee and to walk on water, so why did Jesus not sail across the Atlantic in his little fishing boat ? If Jesus had done this then the Americas would have got the Bible stories 15 hundred years sooner. If Jesus wasn't able to fit the trip into his diary then he might at least have told his disciple that the world was a sphere like an apple or orange and that they would need to sail all the way round the Earth so that the gospel would  be shared round everyone as soon as possible. It looks to me like Jesus did not use his talents to their best effect, it also looks like God was in no hurry for everyone to hear the gospel. If the great  commission Jesus gave  his disciples had been; to sail round the world, then the Old World might have learned of the New world 15 hundred years sooner and also had the pleasure of eating foods from the New World sooner, food such as chocolate, tomatoes, potatoes, sweetcorn, pumpkin and peppers are from the Americas. So was it a bit of a sin not to tell the Old world about the New world ? Was Jesus perhaps failing to live up to the golden rule  of treating others as you would have them treat you. Jesus never treated the old world to chocolate, that isn't very generous or friendly. Now some will try to defend Jesus by asking how he could possibly known of the New world when it was not discovered until 1492 when Christopher Columbus sailed there. However the gospels have stories which claim that god was able to shout down from the sky, things like " this is my son with him I am well pleased " so how is it that god wasn't able to shout down,  " By the way the Earth is a sphere shape - like an apple or orange. In any case Luke 4v5 says that the devil took Jesus up to a high place and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in an instant. So what is Jesus excuse for not telling anyone about this amazing discovery ? Did Jesus have his eyes closed in prayer at that point ? Or because he was afraid of heights. Or maybe Jesus was so hungry that he couldn't concentrate after being out in the desert for 40 days without food. Well Luke 4v3 says the devil recommended that Jesus turn some stones into bread, so if he had done then maybe he would have been able to concentrate and pass the test instead of being afraid to sit it as Luke 4v12 says, " do not put god to the test "  Why, because he will fail ? Why did Jesus not carve a map of the world onto a beam of wood ? A skillful craftsman might have been able to carve a globe of the World. Are parts of the gospel stories just made up like fairy tales ?

Also Acts chapter 1 has a story about Jesus flying up into the sky. If Jesus could do this then why did he not fly over to the Americas and Australia to tell them the good news before heading off into the milky way, or where ever he thought he was going when he ascended. At least when he got quite high up he might have noticed that the Earth was not in fact flat like everyone thought but actually a sphere. If he had been going slowly enough then the New World might have rotated under neath him. Why did Jesus not fly back down to tell his disciples about his discovery ?

It is interesting that Joseph Smith appears to have noted this idea  in 1825 and in his Book of Mormon invented the story that Jesus had in fact flown over to the Americas and told the lost tribe of Israel about his New Testament ideas. However history shows that when the Europeans discovered the native American Indians they had no knowledge of the Bible stories. Well Joseph Smith covers up this difficulty by saying that Jesus visit was forgotten by the Indians. David Fitzgerald in his book, " The complete heretics guide to western religion, The Mormons "  explains how the Book of Mormon came to be written.

It worth noting that religious scriptures never manage to tell the world of new discoveries but only manage to include information that was at large in society. If you look at the Koran which was written about 700 AD you will not find any reference to the New World or Australia.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Parody on the song , " Why ? " by Michael Card

Why did you have to refuse the myrrh that would have reduced the pain ( Mk 15v23 )
Why did you have to reject the myrrh wise men brought you as a baby king (Mt 2v11)
Why didn't you turn the vinegar into fine wine, loaded with gall / morphine
For God not to give analgesics to you seems to me to be really quite obscene

Why didn't Mary, your mother, bring you, your present of myrrh  to the cross ?
If you'd prayed for a miraculous anaethesia would it really have been any loss ?
Why didn't God stun you with a  lightning bolt to shorten your pain ?
 God's failure to administer palliative care seems to me partly insane

Why did Matthew 27 verse 34 change the myrrh of Mark into gall ?
Was it an attempt to fit with Psalm 69 verse 21, does that even work at all ?
Psalm 69 verse 20 says David never had any comforters
But Mark 15 verse 23 has Jesus turn the comforters away
Has Jesus really come into the world to steal every heart away ?

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Mark Vs Matthew infight

                               So why did Jesus' heavenly father not offer him palliative care ?

                               Mark 15v23 says, " Then they offered Jesus wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it."
There are claims that myrrh was a type on analgesic given for pain relief. So then why did Jesus turn down the offer of pain relief ? I think it is healthy to try to care for oneself. Some commentators such as Bible-history Fausset's  Bible dictionary claim that Jesus wanted to face the full suffering of the cross. Yet Matt 2v11 has the Magi bring Jesus a present of myrrh. Which could be read as a recommendation that he take pain relief.

Is this a case of too many cooks spoil the broth ? The authors  Matthews tale of the Magi bringing myrrh have forgotten or not known that Mark had Jesus refuse the myrrh. Also the author of Matt 27v34 has switched the pain relief herb in the wine vinegar to gall - still refused.

 Fausset's Bible dictionary also points out that Matthew maybe has put that the wine contained Gall so that it would fit with Psalm 69v21. However Psalm 69v20 says, " I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none. v21 They put gall in my food ( as if that was an act of enmity ) and gave me vinegar for my thirst. " However it could be read that the person in the gospels offering Jesus the wine with myrrh/ gall were trying to comfort & sympathize with him -  this undermines the attempt to make Psalm 69 into a prophecy.

Why did Mary the mother of Jesus not bring the myrrh to relieve Jesus pain ? What happend to the myrrh the wise men brought ? Did Jesus sell the myrrh to raise money so he could buy chisels, saws and hammers ? Pity he didn't have the foresight to keep some for when he was on the cross.

So why did Jesus' heavenly father not offer Jesus palliative care ?

 Why did Jesus not think to pray for the wine vinegar to be changed into fine wine loaded with morphine. Why did Jesus not pray for miraculous pain relief ? The hymn, " There is a green hill far away " has 7th& 8th line, " It was for us he hung and suffered there " yet it was entirely his own choice to have the pain because if he was the son of God he should have been able to heal himself ( as Matthew 27v41 has the priests cry ) and die with very little pain.

Matthew26v39 has Jesus say, " may this cup be taken from me, yet not as my will be done but as you will "
Matthew 26v42 has Jesus say, " if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done "
And yet it would seem more likely that it was the will of the heavenly father that Jesus should take pain relief since he supposedly had events conspire to bring the wise men with myrrh at Jesus birth.

Matthew 27v46 has Jesus cry, " My god why have you forsaken me " Which could be read,  " Why have I been left in such pain " yet again it was Jesus own failure to accept the help offered. But then why didn't God shout down from the sky," Drink the medicine. It is for your own good "

Could the gospels have been something like :
Crowd: " Jesus, here is some myrrh & gall to lessen your pain
Jesus: No, I've read in the newspaper that those drugs can be addictive
Crowd: Jesus you are likely to die in the next day or two so that doesn't matter
Jesus: Oh, I never thought of it like that, well now that you say, it does seem more sensible to drink it really

Why does the Bible offer so little in the way of useful advice on the subject of medicine from herbs to provide pain relief ? Proverbs 31, " Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish, let them drink to forget their poverty and remember their misery no more "  ( So that is where that daft idea of drinking to forget comes from. Would have thought spending money on alcohol is  likely to make a person poorer )

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Why did Jesus heavenly Father not offer him palliative care ?

If there was a real cosmic God then why didn't it think of miraculously creating Holstein Friesian cows with their black and white pattern forming a map of the world ? Maybe because Bible God's imagination is mighty limited when it comes to thinking outside the box ? Such a map of the world, if provided 2000 years ago, would have enabled the Old World to discover the New World much sooner and let them enjoy the crops of the New World.

Maybe then Jesus would have been made to say, " Man shall not live on bread alone - he needs potato crisps, tomatoes & chocolate, so get thy ass over there double quick, to go without chocolate is kinda thick "

Then we would not have been able to write a parody on John 3v16; " For god so loved the Old World that he deprived them of chocolate for most of recorded history except for the last 500 years "

Also when it comes to a lack of imagination, how is it that the author of Matthew 27v48   didn't think to make Jesus say a quick prayer to turn the wine vinegar he was offered on the cross into fine wine, or maybe Jack Daniel's would have been more effective ? Also how come Jesus didn't  saturate the wine with morphine ? Or why not have Jesus say a quick prayer for himself to miraculously remove all the pain? Why didn't the heavenly father think of administering palliative care ? So in fact that grief was entirely avoidable. Is God his own worst enemy ? Self inflicted grief ?

Matt 27v34 " They offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it "  If the Gall mentioned in the Bible is supposed to derive from opium. So why didn't Jesus do the caring thing and drink the gall that was intended to give him pain relief ? Did the onlookers shout, " Jesus why don't you drink the gall, it will relieve the pain " and Jesus shouted, " I've read in the newspapers that it can be addictive " to which the crowd replied , " But Jesus you are likely to die soon anyway " then Jesus responds, " Oh I never thought of that, thanks guys "
Bible History website  makes the claim that Jesus was determined to experience the full force of the pain - that is why he refused the Gall. It also mentions that Mark 15v23 says the wine was mixed with myrrh. What good would myrrh have been to Jesus? Faussets claims that myrrh could also offer pain relief.  Well that takes the biscuit. The wise men brought Jesus Myrrh at his birth and yet Jesus refuses to take any on the cross ? ! That is just as bad as being starving in the wilderness but refusing to take the devils good advice of making some bread out of stones. Faussets also points out that Matthew maybe has put that the wine contained Gall so that it would fit with Psalm 69v21. However Psalm 69v20 says, " I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none. v21 They put gall in my food ( as if that was an act of enmity ) and gave me vinegar for my thirst. " However it could be read that the person in the gospels offering Jesus the wine with myrrh/ gall were trying to comfort & sympathize with him - this undermines the attempt to make Psalm 69 into a prophecy.

[Too many cooks spoil the broth: The authors of Matthew 27v34 have added a tale of the wise men bringing Jesus Myrrh as a present but have forgotten that the author of Mark 15v23 have made Jesus refuse the wine with myrrh added.

Would you agree that the chief priests, teachers of the law and elders were correct when in Matt 27v41 they mocked, " he saved others but he can't save himself " or Luke 23v35 " He saved others, let him save himself " ? Maybe they should have been clearer by shouting, " Give yourself Anaesthetics & analgesics ?" or " You should have read ' Why evolution is true " by Jerry Coyne.  Or the crowd could have said, " Jesus didn't you realize the Bible stories are just folklore, queer stories, fairy tales for our amusement, You didn't  think there were all literal fact did you ? You need to look into the future & read " The reason driven life " by Robert M. Price.

Matthew 27v46 has Jesus cry out from the cross, " My God why have you forsaken me ? " Maybe it should have been, " My God why didn't you numb the pain ? Seems dumb that you didn't ! "
Why didn't Jesus ask, " Is there really a God or have I been mistaken about that ? What is going on here, something seems not quite right, something not adding up, has the information I have been given in error ? Have I been deluded about the supernatural world, what if there is none ? "

Quite an interesting article on Wikipedia about shortages of Morphine in some countries - could be solved by allowing Afghan farmers to provide poppy seeds. Probably some cons with that idea ( I have no idea if the article is correct )

Global shortages :
Morphine and other poppy-based medicines have been identified by the World Health Organization as essential in the treatment of severe pain. However, only six countries use 77% of the world's morphine supplies, leaving many emerging countries lacking in pain relief medication.[73] The current system of supply of raw poppy materials to make poppy-based medicines is regulated by the International Narcotics Control Board under the provision of the 1961 Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs. The amount of raw poppy materials that each country can demand annually based on these provisions must correspond to an estimate of the country's needs taken from the national consumption within the preceding two years. In many countries, underprescription of morphine is rampant because of the high prices and the lack of training in the prescription of poppy-based drugs. The World Health Organization is now working with administrations from various countries to train healthworkers and to develop national regulations regarding drug prescription to facilitate a greater prescription of poppy-based medicines.[74]
Another idea to increase morphine availability is proposed by the Senlis Council, who suggest, through their proposal for Afghan Morphine, that Afghanistan could provide cheap pain relief solutions to emerging countries as part of a second-tier system of supply that would complement the current INCB regulated system by maintaining the balance and closed system that it establishes while providing finished product morphine to those suffering from severe pain and unable to access poppy-based drugs under the current system.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Ideas with which to Heckle Christ aka Joshua Ladgrove

Welcome my chosen ones. Many were called but I see a disappointingly small number have been chosen.

Christ you're late. I thought the gospels said that you would return 19 hundred years ago before your disciples had died. Oh well better late than never I suppose.  I see you are still stuck on 2 ACROSS, maybe it is time you moved onto 2014 down ?

Hey Jesus are you in pain ? Look here are some paracetamol, or would you like something stronger ? How about some morphine ? Hey Jesus how is it that your heavenly Father didn't think of offering you some palliative care ? Jesus you should have prayed for him to make you numb to all the pain. Is that why in Matt 26v39 & 42 we see you pray in Gethsemane for a different cup ? You wanted something with an opiate to deaden the pain but couldn't quite think of it ? Too bad your heavenly Father didn't  think of it for you, nor the angels, too busy singing, fat lot of use that would have been. I'm sorry to say that it looks to me as if your pain was entirely avoidable and largely self inflicted.  Would you agree that the chief priests, teachers of the law and elders were correct when in Matt 27v41 they mocked, " he saved others but he can't save himself " or Luke 23v35 " He saved others, let him save himself "

Jesus get down off your high cross/ horse and do some miracles

How come you are telling people that it is ok to take & send selfies when the commandment on the door clearly states that all mobile phones must be switched off ?

I'm surprised this venue isn't crowded out with Christians demanding why you haven't answered their prayers and others eager to finally get a straight answer from you.

Are you going to advise us to take notes this time? I hope everyone will take notes so that he isn't misquoted like in the Bible. Are some of your angels recording this ? Will we be watching it over and over in heaven ?

Do you feel blessed when people heckle you and confront you with the reality that most of the ideas you held true back then are now shown beyond reasonable doubt to be superstitious mumbo jumbo ? Is it cathartic ?

There were one or two things I forgot to ask you so I thought I'd better take the chance now or I might be regretting it for another 2000 years or for ever.

Jesus did you come down to earth with a bump when you discovered that there was no supernatural realm, when you discovered that God wasn't there ?

Christ : Any critics who may be here tonight, remember to give me a good review or risk eternal death - no just joking

Jesus does it pain you to discover that the Old Testament stories are largely fictional or do you find it liberating to realize that probably there is no hades and that idea is only part of Greek mythology ?

What ideas in the Bible are you most proud of and which ones are you most embarrassed by. Which do you think are your most glaring errors ?

Any chance of hearing the voice of God shout down from the sky in your defence ?

Do you confess with your tongue that evolution is true ?

Jesus can you turn my bottle of mineral water into wine ?
Christ: Come down to the front, kneel behind the cross, stare at the foot of the cross and the water will turn into wine ( bottle of wine behind cross )
 oh my water has turned to chardonnay-  its a miracle, hallelujah, does it serve 500 people ? Would it be a sin to open it, will I be damned if I do ?

How come your angels haven't prevented serious crime and abuse ? Yet Acts 12 has a story where Herod Agrippa is struck down dead merely for not giving praise to God.

How come in Matt 15 you tell your disciples not to bother washing their hands ? Did you not know about germ theory ? Those words may have blinded people from thinking that ingested dirt could be result in illness.

Matt 17 has you make a coin miraculously appear in the mouth of a fish that Peter caught so that you & he could pay the temple tax. Would you make a coin appear in the mouth of this sea bass that I caught in Morrisons today ?

Crowd : Jesus I have read that you don't like to live on bread alone so here is a bag of The Real McCoy potato crisps; flame grilled steak flavour, the subtitle is " Accept no imitations ". But I have heard it say that man may not live on crisps alone , so here, have a banana. But actually I'm sure you would rather have a philadelphia cream cheese - heavenly delight. I would like to share some of my chocolate with you but when I think of how you kept the old world in the dark about the existence of the new world for 1500 years and so deprived billions of folk the pleasures of chocolate, I think maybe you haven't earned the right to try it. Maybe that was a sin of omission ? The wages of sin is not chocolate. So anyway what is your excuse for not sailing with your disciples in their little boat over to the Americas, the bible stories claim you had the ability to calm the storms on the sea of Galilee, so it should have been easy for you to do an around the world cruise ?
Jesus: Well how could I have known of the Americas, it wasn't discovered until 1500 years after I died.
Crowd: But Luke 4v5 has the devil show you all the kingdoms of the world, so you should have known.
Jesus it so happens that I have brought a box of Black Magic chocolate, it says on the lid, " Discover the secret of the black magic box." Could I tempt you to try some? Too bad you don't have a hand free to  feed yourself, oh well, I shall just offer them to the audience.

How come the ancient Egyptians practiced circumcision & abstained from eating pork before the Jews adopted those practices. Those things didn't make the Jews distinct. By the way has yours been done ?

What a tangled web we weave when we practice to believe

THE MODERN CHRIST : Hey guys, I've come back to ask you to forgive me; I didn't know what I was talking about 2000 years ago. Since then I spent that time flying around the universe and found no heaven or God so I gave up and returned to earth. Since my return I have been reading up on the present state of knowledge and catching up with 21st Century culture and I have had to admit that I was deluded about many things 2000 years. As my excuse I want to say that I was living in a pre-scientific era so I could hardly have been expected to rise much above my peers. I hold up my hands and admit that I was mistaken about many things. But come on, you must admit that I didn't get it all wrong. It is good to repent of error and to seek the truth. I led you in the way I thought was true then and now that more data has come in I have changed my mind and recommend a change of direction. I want to lead you into all truth but I think Science is that best way of finding out what is true. Seek ye first the writings of Jerry Coyne.

I lived in a pre-scientific era , before the age of global travel and catalogue of the animal kingdom so how could I possibly have guessed at the theory of evolution, but now that I have seen the evidence I accept that evolution is the best explanation for the origins of modern life on Earth

I used to be a fundamentalist christian but I repented of the delusion, I saw the light, I saw that there were many different ways of interpreting the stories.

Hey Jesus is that a halo or a dunce cap.

Hey Jesus let's see you do the miracle of walking through a locked door as you did in John 20v19

Jesus which is your favourite relgion ? -  Well I'm not sure I'd like to pick any specific one but I like Pastafarianism on a Friday night, Jediism is a good one on Saturdays, Atheism is ideal on Sunday morning when you just want to lie in bed and shag, Cthulhu Mythos is nice for waking up to on Mondays - I like to browse basically,

Hey Jesus, what are next weeks winning numbers for the National Lottery ?

Hey Jesus don't be cross with me but I'm afraid I need to scamper to catch a bus
Jesus you do look very cross, don't erase my name from your lamb's book of life

Jesus why didn't you sail across to America with the disciples in their little boat?
Christ:   What would I want to do that for ?
Well it would have enabled the Bible stories to get to the Americas 15 hundred years sooner than they did and it would also have let the folk in the old word - eg Jews - enjoy chocolate much sooner in history than they did.

Jesus would you agree that part of the reason that people remain Christian all their life is that they have become focussed on one particular interpretation / version of the stories about you - they have only been presented with the one narrow idea, whereas if they had been shown the many different ways of looking at the Bible stories then they would have had a broader minded outlook. It makes it more interesting to see the many faces of Jesus. - Jesus the Christ, Son of God, Jesus the myth, Jesus who does caring things, Jesus who causes psychological abuse - intimidation.

Jesus, matthew 17 has you make a coin magically appear in the mouth of a fish that Peter caught so that you could pay the temple tax. I have brought you a fish to see if you can repeat that miracle -- what still no coin, do I not have enough faith or are you not able ?

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

What to say at a " Come heckle Christ " gig by Joshua Ladgrove

Oh Hi Jesus,

  Millions have been dying to meet you but I was too keen on living to actually go through with it, so i am glad of this chance to meet you while I am still alive.

People like Ken Humphreys and David F. Strauss have told me that Jesus never existed- the stories were mostly just made up, fairy tales, but here you are incarnate. I can hardly believe it.  So are the stories about you legends or are there bits that are for real ?   Are you just a failed apocalyptic rabbi or a witchdoctor ? Were you misquoted ?

Jesus Christ I presume ? God you're late ! I thought you'd return 19 hundred years ago before your disciples had all died. Or did someone misquote you in Matt 16v28 and I quote, " I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom " ?  Or is the Son of Man referring to someone else ?

Ahoy Jesus, Why did you not sail to America in your disciples little fishing boat ? With your talents of calming storms on the Seas, walking on water, turning salt water into wine and raising the dead I would have thought it would be little trouble for you. You could have prayed to God to blow the wind in a helpful direction ( John 16v23 says whatever you ask will be given you ) What's that you say, " You didn't know of America " ? But Luke 4v5 says that the devil showed you all the kingdoms of the world. Did you forget or were you not paying attention at that point because you had your eyes closed in prayer or maybe you were too hungry ? Perhaps if you had turned some stones into bread like the devil suggested in Luke 4v3 then you would have had something to eat before the lessons and would have been able to pass the test instead of refusing to take it ( Luke 4v12), knowing full well that you would probably fail.
How come you left it for 15 hundred years until America started to hear your gospel and 18 hundred years until Australia got the message. You don't seem to have been in much hurry ?

Tell me Jesus how come you didn't tell your disciples to sail round the world with the Bible stories ? John 14v12 has you say your disciples would do greater things than you but they certainly didn't make greater voyages, ( except for the non sailor Paul )  John 16v13 quotes you as saying, " When the Spirit of truth comes he will guide you into all truth " how come neither you nor the Spirit told anyone about the existence of the Americas or Australia ? How is it that Joel 2v28 & Acts 2v17 says that young men will have visions but history shows they had no visions of half the world ? How is it that you didn't carve a map showing all the continents with the most significant species of animals and plants for human use ? You wouldn't win awards for management skills.

Jesus tell me where you were headed when you ascended from the Mt of Olives that Acts 1v9 asserts ? Did you fly round the solar system or round the milky way or to the edge of the Universe. Even at the speed of light 19 hundred years wouldn't have got you very far unless you went through a few worm holes, black holes or back passages ?

Jesus, Matthew 24v29 makes you quote Isaiah 13v10 as if it really could happen. It says, "The stars of heaven and their constellations will not show their light. The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken " If you've flown up into space then how come you didn't realize that if the sun went dark then we would die instantly and the moon would not be seen since it only reflects sunshine ? How come you didn't realize that stars are massive things - like our sun- and it is impossible for them to fall from the sky. What is meant by " The heavenly bodies will be shaken " how is that possible ?

Jesus is it true that after blasting off from  Cape Olives that you touched down in the Americas as Joseph Smith claimed in his Book of Mormon ? What do you think  of books such as the Coran and Moreran which are based on a jumbled summary of the New Testament and with amendments ? Do you condemn such rewriting of previous fairy tales or do you see the funny side of it ? How come the Scriptures can only include ideas that were already widely know in society ? How come the Coran never knew of the New World and how come it isn't until the 1825 Book of Moron that the New world gets mentioned ?

Oh Jesus, please will you turn my bottle of mineral water into some of your best wine, I have been longing to taste what the best wine is like. What's that? You can't do it just now ? What is your excuse this time ? Let me guess, I don't have enough faith or I must not put the Lord my God to the test ? What about making a two pound coin appear in the mouth of this fish that i brought along to see if you could repeat the miracle of Matt 17v27. Oh you can't do it. Is the real simple answer that you weren't really able to do miracles and in fact the stories are just made up ? Is it the case that people imagined that since you were the Christ then you must be able to do similar miracles to the ones talked about in the Old Testament, so they wrote stories about you doing similar things to Elijah and Elisha ?

I suppose you have been busy all day healing people in this fine city but we haven't heard about it because you commanded them to tell no one_ like in the story of Matt 8v4 about you healing the man with leprosy. Are you being modest or is it just that your time has not come ? Did you really do those miracles mentioned in the New Testament. How come people from your home town never saw you perform the miracles? Was it that case that your followers kept claiming that, " you did miracles somewhere else " but you never did them in front of the audience hearing the tales. Is this because you never really did them at all. As Luke 4v23 says, " Physician heal yourself ! Do here in your home town what we have heard that you did in Capernaum "  How is it that no one tried to defend you before Pilate by telling of your wonderous deeds healing people, do you feel wounded by that ?

Jesus I thought Luke 21v27 said the Son of Man would return in a cloud with great glory. I missed seeing that. Did you return during the thick cloud and fog we had the other day ? I hope that one of your angels caught it on their smart phone to post it on Youtube so that I can see it for myself, otherwise I won't believe it and will assume you just got the plane over from Australia ?

Jesus how come you never knew to wash you hands before eating ? Why did you not agree with the pharisees in Matt 15v2 when they challenged you about your disciples failure to wash their hands before eating. Would you agree now that that was one of the sensible  Jewish customs ?

Jesus how come you never named your sources for ideas like Hades which the Greeks & Zoroastrians thought of long before you ? How come 2 Peter 2v4 mentions the idea of Tartarus as if it were a real place when actually Tartarus is a dungeon in Hades & part of Greek mythology ?

Jesus how come you weren't able to correct the omissions and errors in the Old Testament. Why did you not fill in the details of the names of Kings of Egypt during the time that the Israelites were supposed to be there ? Do you think that the lack of evidence for the exodus shows that those stories were mostly made up ? How come you never condemned slavery  or other barbaric practices of Old Testament times ?

Jesus would you agree that the loving thing to do would be to totally erase hell as if it never existed ? Would you agree that a real super hero would not allow anyone to go to an eternal suffering but rather would either take people to a happy ever after or let them cease to exist ?

Jesus I would like to give you £ 1000, would you like it literally or as a figure of speech ? When you spoke of hell in the Bible were you speaking in symbolic, metaphorical, figurative terms, parables or did you really think there was an actual physical place where people could suffer for ever ?

Jesus how is it that Acts 7v22 says that Moses was educated in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and yet he didn't know that the ancient Egyptians had a law code as it seen in the 42 negative confessions written as part of the Book of the Dead on the papyrus of Ani ? Why didn't the Israelites at the bottom of Mt Sinai not say " oh commandments a bit like the Egyptian ones we have been living with, we'd have been better off just staying in Egypt for all the difference it makes, there is less food out here for one thing " How come no one in the Bible mentions the Hammurabi code ?

Jesus, were the demons being sarcastic when they called you " Son of God " in Luke 4v41 ? Or should we assume that since the devil and demons are supposed to always lie  ( John 8v44) that in fact you weren't the Son of God at all. Maybe in fact you were one of them and part of the con ? Or could it be that the whole theory about a supernatural realm is mistaken and none of that exists. Have you read the books of Victor Stenger, " God the failed hypothesis ? "

Jesus will you give us a miraculous sign from heaven that you are really the Christ or are you just going to tell us to trust you like Matt16v1-4 has you say. In any case what is the sign of Jonah ? Matt 12v 38-42 has you say that " The Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth " How is it that the New Testament has you rise in less than three days, maybe only 1.5 days depending on which of the four gospels you think is most accurate ?

Oh Jesus finally your feet have walked on Scotlands green and pleasance land. Did you do a tour round the Mediterranean and UK 2000 years ago ?

Oh Jesus, what did you mean in Luke 4v25 when you said that in Elijah's time the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land ? Did you imagine the sky was a solid firmament with water above it and windows that would open to let water fall through as rain ? Isn't that just pre-scientific mumbo jumbo ?

Oh Jesus in John 21v11 where the disciples caught 153 large fish, where they red herrings ?

Hey Jesus do you regret the way you got hung up on Bible stories now that it has become clear that they were mostly fiction ? Do you realize the fact of evolution shows that Genesis stories are fairy tales, there was no Adam & Eve, No global flood, No Exodus.  Radiometric dating shows that life on Earth is ancient- immensely longer than the 6000 years that the Bible authors imagined.

Hey Jesus have you repented of your sins ? Have you come to apologize for those lies you told us about world history ? Do you now confess that evolution is true ? and that most of the tales in the bible never happened ? Look mate, to err is human, anyone can make a mistake. Hopefully if you've been reading modern books like " Why evolution is true " by Jerry Coyne then you will be up to speed on the present level of understanding about how life emerged.

Hey Jesus have you seen the light ? Do you accept that life on Earth is billions of years old and that evolution is a fact ? Jesus I can understand that in your day it might have seemed reasonable to think the things you said were true were indeed true. So now do you think the things we consider to be true are true ?  Jesus are you as genuine a Christ as the one the Bible talks about ?  So you're a fake then ? To err is human but to really mess things up you need God.

Oh Jesus what do you think of the writings of those who are skeptical of the scripture stories ? Have you read the books of John W. Loftus, " Why I became and atheist ", Robert M. Price, " The case against the case for Christ " & " The reason driven life ", Randel Helms, " Gospel fictions ", C. Dennis McKinsey, " The encyclopedia of biblical errancy ", Dan Barker, " godless " , Valerie Tarico, " Trusting doubt ", Ken Humphreys, " Jesus never existed ", Sam Harris, " The end of faith " , Richard Dawkins, " The God delusion ", Christopher Hitchens, " God is not great " , Victor J. Stenger, " God: The failed hypothesis "   Jerry Coyne, " Why evolution is true " etc