Wednesday, 13 August 2014

What to say at a " Come heckle Christ " gig by Joshua Ladgrove

Oh Hi Jesus,

  Millions have been dying to meet you but I was too keen on living to actually go through with it, so i am glad of this chance to meet you while I am still alive.

People like Ken Humphreys and David F. Strauss have told me that Jesus never existed- the stories were mostly just made up, fairy tales, but here you are incarnate. I can hardly believe it.  So are the stories about you legends or are there bits that are for real ?   Are you just a failed apocalyptic rabbi or a witchdoctor ? Were you misquoted ?

Jesus Christ I presume ? God you're late ! I thought you'd return 19 hundred years ago before your disciples had all died. Or did someone misquote you in Matt 16v28 and I quote, " I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom " ?  Or is the Son of Man referring to someone else ?

Ahoy Jesus, Why did you not sail to America in your disciples little fishing boat ? With your talents of calming storms on the Seas, walking on water, turning salt water into wine and raising the dead I would have thought it would be little trouble for you. You could have prayed to God to blow the wind in a helpful direction ( John 16v23 says whatever you ask will be given you ) What's that you say, " You didn't know of America " ? But Luke 4v5 says that the devil showed you all the kingdoms of the world. Did you forget or were you not paying attention at that point because you had your eyes closed in prayer or maybe you were too hungry ? Perhaps if you had turned some stones into bread like the devil suggested in Luke 4v3 then you would have had something to eat before the lessons and would have been able to pass the test instead of refusing to take it ( Luke 4v12), knowing full well that you would probably fail.
How come you left it for 15 hundred years until America started to hear your gospel and 18 hundred years until Australia got the message. You don't seem to have been in much hurry ?

Tell me Jesus how come you didn't tell your disciples to sail round the world with the Bible stories ? John 14v12 has you say your disciples would do greater things than you but they certainly didn't make greater voyages, ( except for the non sailor Paul )  John 16v13 quotes you as saying, " When the Spirit of truth comes he will guide you into all truth " how come neither you nor the Spirit told anyone about the existence of the Americas or Australia ? How is it that Joel 2v28 & Acts 2v17 says that young men will have visions but history shows they had no visions of half the world ? How is it that you didn't carve a map showing all the continents with the most significant species of animals and plants for human use ? You wouldn't win awards for management skills.

Jesus tell me where you were headed when you ascended from the Mt of Olives that Acts 1v9 asserts ? Did you fly round the solar system or round the milky way or to the edge of the Universe. Even at the speed of light 19 hundred years wouldn't have got you very far unless you went through a few worm holes, black holes or back passages ?

Jesus, Matthew 24v29 makes you quote Isaiah 13v10 as if it really could happen. It says, "The stars of heaven and their constellations will not show their light. The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken " If you've flown up into space then how come you didn't realize that if the sun went dark then we would die instantly and the moon would not be seen since it only reflects sunshine ? How come you didn't realize that stars are massive things - like our sun- and it is impossible for them to fall from the sky. What is meant by " The heavenly bodies will be shaken " how is that possible ?

Jesus is it true that after blasting off from  Cape Olives that you touched down in the Americas as Joseph Smith claimed in his Book of Mormon ? What do you think  of books such as the Coran and Moreran which are based on a jumbled summary of the New Testament and with amendments ? Do you condemn such rewriting of previous fairy tales or do you see the funny side of it ? How come the Scriptures can only include ideas that were already widely know in society ? How come the Coran never knew of the New World and how come it isn't until the 1825 Book of Moron that the New world gets mentioned ?

Oh Jesus, please will you turn my bottle of mineral water into some of your best wine, I have been longing to taste what the best wine is like. What's that? You can't do it just now ? What is your excuse this time ? Let me guess, I don't have enough faith or I must not put the Lord my God to the test ? What about making a two pound coin appear in the mouth of this fish that i brought along to see if you could repeat the miracle of Matt 17v27. Oh you can't do it. Is the real simple answer that you weren't really able to do miracles and in fact the stories are just made up ? Is it the case that people imagined that since you were the Christ then you must be able to do similar miracles to the ones talked about in the Old Testament, so they wrote stories about you doing similar things to Elijah and Elisha ?

I suppose you have been busy all day healing people in this fine city but we haven't heard about it because you commanded them to tell no one_ like in the story of Matt 8v4 about you healing the man with leprosy. Are you being modest or is it just that your time has not come ? Did you really do those miracles mentioned in the New Testament. How come people from your home town never saw you perform the miracles? Was it that case that your followers kept claiming that, " you did miracles somewhere else " but you never did them in front of the audience hearing the tales. Is this because you never really did them at all. As Luke 4v23 says, " Physician heal yourself ! Do here in your home town what we have heard that you did in Capernaum "  How is it that no one tried to defend you before Pilate by telling of your wonderous deeds healing people, do you feel wounded by that ?

Jesus I thought Luke 21v27 said the Son of Man would return in a cloud with great glory. I missed seeing that. Did you return during the thick cloud and fog we had the other day ? I hope that one of your angels caught it on their smart phone to post it on Youtube so that I can see it for myself, otherwise I won't believe it and will assume you just got the plane over from Australia ?

Jesus how come you never knew to wash you hands before eating ? Why did you not agree with the pharisees in Matt 15v2 when they challenged you about your disciples failure to wash their hands before eating. Would you agree now that that was one of the sensible  Jewish customs ?

Jesus how come you never named your sources for ideas like Hades which the Greeks & Zoroastrians thought of long before you ? How come 2 Peter 2v4 mentions the idea of Tartarus as if it were a real place when actually Tartarus is a dungeon in Hades & part of Greek mythology ?

Jesus how come you weren't able to correct the omissions and errors in the Old Testament. Why did you not fill in the details of the names of Kings of Egypt during the time that the Israelites were supposed to be there ? Do you think that the lack of evidence for the exodus shows that those stories were mostly made up ? How come you never condemned slavery  or other barbaric practices of Old Testament times ?

Jesus would you agree that the loving thing to do would be to totally erase hell as if it never existed ? Would you agree that a real super hero would not allow anyone to go to an eternal suffering but rather would either take people to a happy ever after or let them cease to exist ?

Jesus I would like to give you £ 1000, would you like it literally or as a figure of speech ? When you spoke of hell in the Bible were you speaking in symbolic, metaphorical, figurative terms, parables or did you really think there was an actual physical place where people could suffer for ever ?

Jesus how is it that Acts 7v22 says that Moses was educated in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and yet he didn't know that the ancient Egyptians had a law code as it seen in the 42 negative confessions written as part of the Book of the Dead on the papyrus of Ani ? Why didn't the Israelites at the bottom of Mt Sinai not say " oh commandments a bit like the Egyptian ones we have been living with, we'd have been better off just staying in Egypt for all the difference it makes, there is less food out here for one thing " How come no one in the Bible mentions the Hammurabi code ?

Jesus, were the demons being sarcastic when they called you " Son of God " in Luke 4v41 ? Or should we assume that since the devil and demons are supposed to always lie  ( John 8v44) that in fact you weren't the Son of God at all. Maybe in fact you were one of them and part of the con ? Or could it be that the whole theory about a supernatural realm is mistaken and none of that exists. Have you read the books of Victor Stenger, " God the failed hypothesis ? "

Jesus will you give us a miraculous sign from heaven that you are really the Christ or are you just going to tell us to trust you like Matt16v1-4 has you say. In any case what is the sign of Jonah ? Matt 12v 38-42 has you say that " The Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth " How is it that the New Testament has you rise in less than three days, maybe only 1.5 days depending on which of the four gospels you think is most accurate ?

Oh Jesus finally your feet have walked on Scotlands green and pleasance land. Did you do a tour round the Mediterranean and UK 2000 years ago ?

Oh Jesus, what did you mean in Luke 4v25 when you said that in Elijah's time the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land ? Did you imagine the sky was a solid firmament with water above it and windows that would open to let water fall through as rain ? Isn't that just pre-scientific mumbo jumbo ?

Oh Jesus in John 21v11 where the disciples caught 153 large fish, where they red herrings ?

Hey Jesus do you regret the way you got hung up on Bible stories now that it has become clear that they were mostly fiction ? Do you realize the fact of evolution shows that Genesis stories are fairy tales, there was no Adam & Eve, No global flood, No Exodus.  Radiometric dating shows that life on Earth is ancient- immensely longer than the 6000 years that the Bible authors imagined.

Hey Jesus have you repented of your sins ? Have you come to apologize for those lies you told us about world history ? Do you now confess that evolution is true ? and that most of the tales in the bible never happened ? Look mate, to err is human, anyone can make a mistake. Hopefully if you've been reading modern books like " Why evolution is true " by Jerry Coyne then you will be up to speed on the present level of understanding about how life emerged.

Hey Jesus have you seen the light ? Do you accept that life on Earth is billions of years old and that evolution is a fact ? Jesus I can understand that in your day it might have seemed reasonable to think the things you said were true were indeed true. So now do you think the things we consider to be true are true ?  Jesus are you as genuine a Christ as the one the Bible talks about ?  So you're a fake then ? To err is human but to really mess things up you need God.

Oh Jesus what do you think of the writings of those who are skeptical of the scripture stories ? Have you read the books of John W. Loftus, " Why I became and atheist ", Robert M. Price, " The case against the case for Christ " & " The reason driven life ", Randel Helms, " Gospel fictions ", C. Dennis McKinsey, " The encyclopedia of biblical errancy ", Dan Barker, " godless " , Valerie Tarico, " Trusting doubt ", Ken Humphreys, " Jesus never existed ", Sam Harris, " The end of faith " , Richard Dawkins, " The God delusion ", Christopher Hitchens, " God is not great " , Victor J. Stenger, " God: The failed hypothesis "   Jerry Coyne, " Why evolution is true " etc

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