Sunday, 12 January 2014

Noah 2 - the revenge of the animals

It would make the Noah film more interesting if they linked to TalkOrigins website ( even just a mention in the credits ) but the financial backers would probably worry that some Christians would then speak against the film and they would lose sales, so they just stay safe and tow the orthodox line? It would need such as FreedomFromReligionFoundation to pay for an advert for TalkOrigins in the cinemas or to flash across Youtube around the March release date.
How about " Noah 2- the revenge of the animals " in which God has pity on the animals, realizing that it isn't their fault so decides against flooding the Earth ( besides he also realizes that it would be a lot of hassle since there isn't enough water to do it and he would have to magically fast forward the evolution of many species in time for them to be around 4000 years later for modern civilization to find ) So anyway God takes the lazy way out and gives Satan permission to unleash all the demons which possess all the crocodiles, snakes, elephants, spiders, cock roaches, mosquitoes and bacteria etc to launch a mass assault on Adam & Eve descendants. So the natural world emerges from every forest, swamp, river, nook and cranny to slaughter every last Adam & Eve descendant and there after devour them. Could be a slight problem with this story since how come humans are around now ? Well maybe the Adam & Eve descendants in that Noah story were a bit like Neanderthal and actually homo sapiens are a different species than Adam & Eve, Jesus didn't pick up on this fact so ideas of original sin are mistaken. Modern humans are not guilty. I rest my case
Well I suppose that is a bit like the Exodus story, so why didn't God get the animals to kill all the Egyptians ?
How about " Noah3- the birth of the conman " in which Noah prophesies that there will be a global flood on 28th March 2000 AfterAdam, ten years to the day. The locals need to finance him to build an ark for them to survive. So the locals agree to this. Noah sets himself up as head of the tax free charitable foundation where he receives abundant enumeration allowing him to buy the finest alcohol and spend much time drunk {Genesis9v21}. Of course as he starts gathering the species he keeps finding far more than he ever imagined there so he keeps having to add sections to his ark and the budget keeps spiraling. Noah has to tell ever more dire stories of doom to persuade the locals to increase their direct debits or standing orders. Finally the big day arrives but no sign of rain - clear blue skies and brilliant sunshine. Bit awkward for Noah but he looks through his notes from God and tells the locals that he misread it- it will be next year. Another year passes and of course no flood so Noah keeps having to make excuses to push back the end of the world. This time it is because he hasn't written a list of all the species, so an inventory must be drawn up before the world can be flooded. Meanwhile the Ark is turning into a bit of a zoo and costs continue to spiral so Noah starts charging people to visit and view the animals. Luckily for Noah he discovers Australia with many other creatures so this gives him a good excuse why God didn't flood the Earth - obviously couldn't have until Ozzy critters were on board etc. Sadly for Noah the locals finally realize they have been tricked and feed Noah to the lions

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