Welcome my chosen ones. Many were called but I see a disappointingly small number have been chosen.
Christ you're late. I thought the gospels said that you would return 19 hundred years ago before your disciples had died. Oh well better late than never I suppose. I see you are still stuck on 2 ACROSS, maybe it is time you moved onto 2014 down ?
Hey Jesus are you in pain ? Look here are some paracetamol, or would you like something stronger ? How about some morphine ? Hey Jesus how is it that your heavenly Father didn't think of offering you some palliative care ? Jesus you should have prayed for him to make you numb to all the pain. Is that why in Matt 26v39 & 42 we see you pray in Gethsemane for a different cup ? You wanted something with an opiate to deaden the pain but couldn't quite think of it ? Too bad your heavenly Father didn't think of it for you, nor the angels, too busy singing, fat lot of use that would have been. I'm sorry to say that it looks to me as if your pain was entirely avoidable and largely self inflicted. Would you agree that the chief priests, teachers of the law and elders were correct when in Matt 27v41 they mocked, " he saved others but he can't save himself " or Luke 23v35 " He saved others, let him save himself "
Jesus get down off your high cross/ horse and do some miracles
How come you are telling people that it is ok to take & send selfies when the commandment on the door clearly states that all mobile phones must be switched off ?
I'm surprised this venue isn't crowded out with Christians demanding why you haven't answered their prayers and others eager to finally get a straight answer from you.
Are you going to advise us to take notes this time? I hope everyone will take notes so that he isn't misquoted like in the Bible. Are some of your angels recording this ? Will we be watching it over and over in heaven ?
Do you feel blessed when people heckle you and confront you with the reality that most of the ideas you held true back then are now shown beyond reasonable doubt to be superstitious mumbo jumbo ? Is it cathartic ?
There were one or two things I forgot to ask you so I thought I'd better take the chance now or I might be regretting it for another 2000 years or for ever.
Jesus did you come down to earth with a bump when you discovered that there was no supernatural realm, when you discovered that God wasn't there ?
Christ : Any critics who may be here tonight, remember to give me a good review or risk eternal death - no just joking
Jesus does it pain you to discover that the Old Testament stories are largely fictional or do you find it liberating to realize that probably there is no hades and that idea is only part of Greek mythology ?
What ideas in the Bible are you most proud of and which ones are you most embarrassed by. Which do you think are your most glaring errors ?
Any chance of hearing the voice of God shout down from the sky in your defence ?
Do you confess with your tongue that evolution is true ?
Jesus can you turn my bottle of mineral water into wine ?
Christ: Come down to the front, kneel behind the cross, stare at the foot of the cross and the water will turn into wine ( bottle of wine behind cross )
oh my water has turned to chardonnay- its a miracle, hallelujah, does it serve 500 people ? Would it be a sin to open it, will I be damned if I do ?
How come your angels haven't prevented serious crime and abuse ? Yet Acts 12 has a story where Herod Agrippa is struck down dead merely for not giving praise to God.
How come in Matt 15 you tell your disciples not to bother washing their hands ? Did you not know about germ theory ? Those words may have blinded people from thinking that ingested dirt could be result in illness.
Matt 17 has you make a coin miraculously appear in the mouth of a fish that Peter caught so that you & he could pay the temple tax. Would you make a coin appear in the mouth of this sea bass that I caught in Morrisons today ?
Crowd : Jesus I have read that you don't like to live on bread alone so here is a bag of The Real McCoy potato crisps; flame grilled steak flavour, the subtitle is " Accept no imitations ". But I have heard it say that man may not live on crisps alone , so here, have a banana. But actually I'm sure you would rather have a philadelphia cream cheese - heavenly delight. I would like to share some of my chocolate with you but when I think of how you kept the old world in the dark about the existence of the new world for 1500 years and so deprived billions of folk the pleasures of chocolate, I think maybe you haven't earned the right to try it. Maybe that was a sin of omission ? The wages of sin is not chocolate. So anyway what is your excuse for not sailing with your disciples in their little boat over to the Americas, the bible stories claim you had the ability to calm the storms on the sea of Galilee, so it should have been easy for you to do an around the world cruise ?
Jesus: Well how could I have known of the Americas, it wasn't discovered until 1500 years after I died.
Crowd: But Luke 4v5 has the devil show you all the kingdoms of the world, so you should have known.
Jesus it so happens that I have brought a box of Black Magic chocolate, it says on the lid, " Discover the secret of the black magic box." Could I tempt you to try some? Too bad you don't have a hand free to feed yourself, oh well, I shall just offer them to the audience.
How come the ancient Egyptians practiced circumcision & abstained from eating pork before the Jews adopted those practices. Those things didn't make the Jews distinct. By the way has yours been done ?
What a tangled web we weave when we practice to believe
THE MODERN CHRIST : Hey guys, I've come back to ask you to forgive me; I didn't know what I was talking about 2000 years ago. Since then I spent that time flying around the universe and found no heaven or God so I gave up and returned to earth. Since my return I have been reading up on the present state of knowledge and catching up with 21st Century culture and I have had to admit that I was deluded about many things 2000 years. As my excuse I want to say that I was living in a pre-scientific era so I could hardly have been expected to rise much above my peers. I hold up my hands and admit that I was mistaken about many things. But come on, you must admit that I didn't get it all wrong. It is good to repent of error and to seek the truth. I led you in the way I thought was true then and now that more data has come in I have changed my mind and recommend a change of direction. I want to lead you into all truth but I think Science is that best way of finding out what is true. Seek ye first the writings of Jerry Coyne.
I lived in a pre-scientific era , before the age of global travel and catalogue of the animal kingdom so how could I possibly have guessed at the theory of evolution, but now that I have seen the evidence I accept that evolution is the best explanation for the origins of modern life on Earth
I used to be a fundamentalist christian but I repented of the delusion, I saw the light, I saw that there were many different ways of interpreting the stories.
Hey Jesus is that a halo or a dunce cap.
Hey Jesus let's see you do the miracle of walking through a locked door as you did in John 20v19
Jesus which is your favourite relgion ? - Well I'm not sure I'd like to pick any specific one but I like Pastafarianism on a Friday night, Jediism is a good one on Saturdays, Atheism is ideal on Sunday morning when you just want to lie in bed and shag, Cthulhu Mythos is nice for waking up to on Mondays - I like to browse basically,
Hey Jesus, what are next weeks winning numbers for the National Lottery ?
Hey Jesus don't be cross with me but I'm afraid I need to scamper to catch a bus
Jesus you do look very cross, don't erase my name from your lamb's book of life
Jesus why didn't you sail across to America with the disciples in their little boat?
Christ: What would I want to do that for ?
Well it would have enabled the Bible stories to get to the Americas 15 hundred years sooner than they did and it would also have let the folk in the old word - eg Jews - enjoy chocolate much sooner in history than they did.
Jesus would you agree that part of the reason that people remain Christian all their life is that they have become focussed on one particular interpretation / version of the stories about you - they have only been presented with the one narrow idea, whereas if they had been shown the many different ways of looking at the Bible stories then they would have had a broader minded outlook. It makes it more interesting to see the many faces of Jesus. - Jesus the Christ, Son of God, Jesus the myth, Jesus who does caring things, Jesus who causes psychological abuse - intimidation.
Jesus, matthew 17 has you make a coin magically appear in the mouth of a fish that Peter caught so that you could pay the temple tax. I have brought you a fish to see if you can repeat that miracle -- what still no coin, do I not have enough faith or are you not able ?
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