ACTS OF THE APOSTATES : JESUS' CONVERSION

Meanwhile Jesus was still breathing out murderous threats as he rode his high horse towards Jerusalem. Suddenly a bright light flashed before his eyes and he fell to the ground blinded. 
He heard a voice of science and reason say, " Jesus, Jesus, why are you persecuting the human race ?"
Jesus wept, " Who is it that speaks ? "
Dawkins in excelsis, " I am the voice of reality and humane ethics, but my Facebook friends call me Richard Dawkins "
Jesus, " What is it you want with me ?"
Dawkins, " I have come to free the captives, to heal the sick, to save people from the damnable doctrine of hell & raise levels of consciousness. Now go to the nearby village of Skeptic ink network and you will be met by a man by the name John W. Loftus who will lead you into old & new truths, as best we know them.
Jesus to his disciples, " Did you hear the voice ?"
Jesus disciples, " No, we had our head stuck in the sand lest we would hear anything troubling "
Jesus, " The voice of reason appeared to me and told me to go to Skeptic ink, take me there, please "
So it was that Jesus came to the village of Skeptic ink where he wept and covered himself with sack cloth and ashes. Very early the next morning Jesus heard a knock at the door.
John Loftus, " Behold I stand at the door and knock, who ever opens, I will come in and explain to them why i became an atheist "
Jesus, " Who's there ?"
John Loftus, " John Loftus "
Jesus, " John Loftus who ? "
John Loftus, " John Loftus who has enough reasons to blow your butts to kingdom come "
Jesus went and rolled the door aside
Jesus, " Heal me lord, for I am blind and dumb and my arguments are lame "
And John proceeded to explain to Jesus all that was written in " Why evolution is true " and Jesus' faith was tested & found wanting by OTF. At that moment something like blinkers fell from Jesus' eyes & he repented of his ignorance.
Jesus, " I see the light, No longer will I worship paper idols nor glorify ignorance. Does this mean that I won't have to hang and suffer there on the cross ? "
John Loftus, " Yes, isn't it wonderous. It would be for nothing to die like that. Now go and check out SIN, maximize people's well being & minimize their suffering "
And from that day Jesus went on a sea voyage round the Mediterranean, spreading the good news that there probably is no God or hell etc so relax and make the most your one shot at life.
All who heard him were amazed and said, " Isn't this the man who caused havoc in the world with his deluded threats, yet here he is clothed and in his right mind "
 After being ship wrecked several times Jesus walked upon England's green and pleasant land where he confessed SIN to Justin Brierley. Justin instantly messaged everyone in the British isles. Great was the rejoicing among those who were saved and Their numbers were added to daily. 
And they all lived happier ever after.