Do you know the parody " Everything stops for tea "song by Goodhart, Hoffman & Sigler ? Here is my rendition, see Youtube original :
"Now I know just why Franz Schubert didn't finish his unfinished symphony, he might have written more but the clock struck four and everything stopped for tea.
Now I know just why Christ Jesus
never got round to explaining properly
he would have explained some more but he got hungry
and they all ate fish for tea
Now I know just why Christ Jesus
never got round to explaining properly
It was probably because we all evolved
And his culture was primitive intellectually
Oh I'm not sure why Christ Jesus
never got round to explaining properly
But it might have been because there are no Gods
And he was just guessing; like you and me
Oh I'm not sure why Christ Jesus
never got round to explaining properly
He might have told us more but the clock struck 12
And they all disappeared back to fantasy
No, I'm not sure why Christ Jesus
never got round to explaining properly
But it might have been because the cock struck 3
And they all denied reality
Yes, I really wonder why Christ Jesus
never told us any useful science, history or technology
But it might have been because he never existed
And the whole thing is historical fiction fantasy
No, I'm not sure why Christ Jesus
never got round to explaining properly
But it might have been because the cock struck 6
and they all washed fervidly / fervently / frantically, take your pick
Friday, 16 December 2011
MASTER CHEF OF THE BIBLEVERSE
When I was a child I swallowed the Bible
Now I've digested, deliberated and cogitated the Bible
I've absorbed the good bits and ejected the shit
All you need from the Bible is the Golden Rule, be caring, don't hurt anyone.
Don't name call but instead aim to speak in emotionally literate terms. You'll note that the Bible writers never got round to understanding such things because the language of their culture was at a more primitive stage.
Now I've digested, deliberated and cogitated the Bible
I've absorbed the good bits and ejected the shit
All you need from the Bible is the Golden Rule, be caring, don't hurt anyone.
Don't name call but instead aim to speak in emotionally literate terms. You'll note that the Bible writers never got round to understanding such things because the language of their culture was at a more primitive stage.
Pope Francis quoted Matthew 24v20,“the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from the sky, and the powers in the heavens will be shaken.” which is quoting Isaiah 13v10 but the authors of those scriptures lived in pre -scientific times and knew very little about the universe around them. There is no chance of the sun being darkened for millions of years yet, the moon has no light of it's own but only reflects sunlight. If the sun was dark then we would not see the moon. Stars are far larger than Earth so there is no chance of them falling to Earth. If the Earth moved closer to the Sun life on Earth would soon die but no chance of that either. The authors had no comprehension of how far away the stars are. In what way could the heavens be shaken ? The only way to make sense of such a passage would be to redefine what the words meant. Did stars just mean asteroids or meteors ?
Maybe Pope Francis could have recommended that people who think Jesus was a prophet would do well to read about his ideas as recorded in the New Testament and at least pick out his best ones. I would recommend John 13v34, "A new commandment I give unto you: Love one another" or the golden rule of Matthew 7v12,"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets" ( though the golden rule existed long before the first century ) How about Romans 13v10 ( though it is uncertain who the author was ) "Love does no harm to its neighbour. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law"
What about 1 John 3v14,"We know we have passed from death to life because we love our brothers. Anyone who does no love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him" ? However I think this way of thinking is overly generalised. It is possible to have very mixed emotions towards another person, you can strongly agree with one thing they did or said and the next moment strongly disapprove of another thing they did or said. Also if you rightly view murder as abhorent then how can you approve of the idea of a hell ? A universalist view would be that a loving god would either take everyone to a happily ever after or let them cease to exist at death but are there any gods at all ?
Pope Francis might also have pointed out that a real god would do any terminating all by itself and would not need us humans to pick up weapons against each other. In fact there are examples in the Bible stories of supernatural terminations eg Exodus 32v25. Deuteronomy 32v35 has god say, "It is mine to avenge, I will repay all by myself" Ok I took some liberties there and altered it slightly, but I consider it an improvement. In the Exodus 32 story I think that Moses was seriously mistaken to order the Levites to slay their fellow Israelites if Moses imagined god was able to target those responsible for the golden calf with plague. Why didn't the Levites refuse to follow Moses order, saying that they feared it would be considered by god to be murder ? The story may be mostly fictional anyway.
FREETHINKING HERO IS SOMETHING TO BE
John Lennon’s
Working class hero: Amended, apologies to the original
As soon as you’re born, they make you feel small
By giving you little information and pretending that’s all
Til the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A good Christian man is something to be ?
A one sided perspective is something for me ?
They hurt you at home and they hit you in Church
They despise what’s clever and they mock what they think different
Til you’re so fucking crazy you can only follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
An enlightened atheist is something to be
When they’ve tortured & scared you for 20 odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re are so full of fear
A modern civilized person is something to be
A freethinking hero is something to be
Keep you doped with religion; it’s myth and tv
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I see
But read Dennis McKinsey then you will see
But read Joseph Wheless then you will see
There’s room up in heaven, they are telling you still
But first you must learn to lie as you smile
If you want to be like the folks in the church.
But when you’ve read Richard Dawkins then you will see
But when you’ve read Robert Price then you will see
If you want to be a hero then just read John Loftus.
[ whose fault was it that I didn't ask everyones opinion instead of assuming? Whose fault that I didn't ask for freethought books? Probably mostly mine ? ]
Working class hero: Amended, apologies to the original
As soon as you’re born, they make you feel small
By giving you little information and pretending that’s all
Til the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A good Christian man is something to be ?
A one sided perspective is something for me ?
They hurt you at home and they hit you in Church
They despise what’s clever and they mock what they think different
Til you’re so fucking crazy you can only follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
An enlightened atheist is something to be
When they’ve tortured & scared you for 20 odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re are so full of fear
A modern civilized person is something to be
A freethinking hero is something to be
Keep you doped with religion; it’s myth and tv
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I see
But read Dennis McKinsey then you will see
But read Joseph Wheless then you will see
There’s room up in heaven, they are telling you still
But first you must learn to lie as you smile
If you want to be like the folks in the church.
But when you’ve read Richard Dawkins then you will see
But when you’ve read Robert Price then you will see
If you want to be a hero then just read John Loftus.
[ whose fault was it that I didn't ask everyones opinion instead of assuming? Whose fault that I didn't ask for freethought books? Probably mostly mine ? ]
WORKING CLASS HERO ?
As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you little information and pretending that’s all
Til the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A good Christian child is something to be ?
A one sided perspective is something for me ?
As soon as you’re little they make you feel ill
By telling you that, you’re all heading for hell
Unless you can manage to roll up a hill
A modern bright person is something to be
A sceptic thinking hero is something to be
Well now I’ve read the books of Loftus and Price
And I think that they are mostly all very nice
And about old Writ they have made me think thrice
A working class hero is something to be
An enlightened atheist is something to be
Well they have told all the reasons to think that hell is a myth
And shown that there’s no good reason to think it exists
So I’m puzzled as to why that damnable doctrine persists.
A modern civilized person is something to be
A freethinking hero is something to be
Well if you’ve been worrying for 20 odd years
And if it has blighted all your career
Then here are the reasons to allay your fear.
Why didn’t Lennon mention Russell, Wheless or Paine
Maybe he feared the trouble it would get him in?
If you want to be a hero then just follow Humphreys
If you want to be a hero then just follow Dawkins
[ why didn’t I ask myself, why has Lennon written those lyrics? What reasons does he have to support that idea? What does he know that I don’t? What has he read that I haven’t? I've been too stuck in myself, my own wee world, listening to voices of scorn, too sluggish of thought]
By giving you little information and pretending that’s all
Til the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A good Christian child is something to be ?
A one sided perspective is something for me ?
As soon as you’re little they make you feel ill
By telling you that, you’re all heading for hell
Unless you can manage to roll up a hill
A modern bright person is something to be
A sceptic thinking hero is something to be
Well now I’ve read the books of Loftus and Price
And I think that they are mostly all very nice
And about old Writ they have made me think thrice
A working class hero is something to be
An enlightened atheist is something to be
Well they have told all the reasons to think that hell is a myth
And shown that there’s no good reason to think it exists
So I’m puzzled as to why that damnable doctrine persists.
A modern civilized person is something to be
A freethinking hero is something to be
Well if you’ve been worrying for 20 odd years
And if it has blighted all your career
Then here are the reasons to allay your fear.
Why didn’t Lennon mention Russell, Wheless or Paine
Maybe he feared the trouble it would get him in?
If you want to be a hero then just follow Humphreys
If you want to be a hero then just follow Dawkins
[ why didn’t I ask myself, why has Lennon written those lyrics? What reasons does he have to support that idea? What does he know that I don’t? What has he read that I haven’t? I've been too stuck in myself, my own wee world, listening to voices of scorn, too sluggish of thought]
JESUS CHRIST IS ALIVE TODAY ?
Jesus Christ is alive today
I doubt, if that is true
That he’s really mucked us up
I’ll give him credit due
Is he seated at God’s right hand ?
Or are you headed into loony land
Jesus Christ is alive today
I think, that is not true
Parody on "He's everything to me"
In the stars amazing things I see insights of how we evolved to be forces that govern over land and sea it is astonishing to me ! I will remember nativity For the story had a place in history Science can set all children free To live the best we can be Til I noticed the errors in scripture and realized many ideas in there were a disgrace Then I knew He was a god who just wasn't there who was just made up by folk down here Now I walk in reality day by day Free to make the most of my own sweet way Science & reason helps me to find a better way Technology is everything to me.
I doubt, if that is true
That he’s really mucked us up
I’ll give him credit due
Is he seated at God’s right hand ?
Or are you headed into loony land
Jesus Christ is alive today
I think, that is not true
Parody on "He's everything to me"
In the stars amazing things I see insights of how we evolved to be forces that govern over land and sea it is astonishing to me ! I will remember nativity For the story had a place in history Science can set all children free To live the best we can be Til I noticed the errors in scripture and realized many ideas in there were a disgrace Then I knew He was a god who just wasn't there who was just made up by folk down here Now I walk in reality day by day Free to make the most of my own sweet way Science & reason helps me to find a better way Technology is everything to me.
MYSTIC RUNES
I’ve been studying mystic Runes
Were they composed by early goons ?
Or a species like gorilla ?
Wearing bowler hat with umbrella ?
Or some double minded fella ?
Or other primitive, superstitious folk ?
who of their error couldn’t see the joke
Such people fought hell for leather,
for someone else’s blether
That I now find gives me delight
To poke fun at, where it is not bright
To see yer creed as others see it
Is the sight for which Price gees ye The wit
Dawkins, Dennett and many others
Help split the right into many colours
Which could save us from much bovver
And maybe we could see and love more as brother
Instead of always being up in arms
Over irrelevant, reverent qualms
Were they composed by early goons ?
Or a species like gorilla ?
Wearing bowler hat with umbrella ?
Or some double minded fella ?
Or other primitive, superstitious folk ?
who of their error couldn’t see the joke
Such people fought hell for leather,
for someone else’s blether
That I now find gives me delight
To poke fun at, where it is not bright
To see yer creed as others see it
Is the sight for which Price gees ye The wit
Dawkins, Dennett and many others
Help split the right into many colours
Which could save us from much bovver
And maybe we could see and love more as brother
Instead of always being up in arms
Over irrelevant, reverent qualms
WARNING CONTAINS STRONG ELEMENTS OF FICTION
Nativity scenes should have a discreet written warning: "Caution, contains strong elements of fiction. Always consult Doctor Price before drinking from the well of fantasy. Symptoms of poisoning include unwarranted anxiety & euphoria, if not they, then those around them may experience nausea. Antidote : ' The reason driven life '
Old Father Pricemas puts the fun back into Christmas by taking the sting out of its tale. Give your loved ones a cracker of a Xmas by giving the gift of the priceless,' Reason driven life', which will make life go with a bang and fit us all for heaven, if there's one there. TRDL -only $17.45-a down to earth price for heaven on earth.
I'll be laughing on the other side of my face if Christ comes through the clouds on his sleigh with a heigh ho, heigh ho, it's back to work we go. Heigh maybe he will come down my chimney, but he might look like a white & black minstrel. Probably his robes are non stick & self cleaning though. Maybe he'll delegate to his dwarves. Maybe instead of bringing presents he'll take us all up to heaven! Fantastic. I hope his wounds have healed up by now. Probably, unless it required prayer.
I’m ok about Jesus coming down my chimney but if he appears in my bedroom singing, “ Jesus loves you this I know “, I will tell him, “ No thanks mate , go and find someone else to love, you’ve buggered my life too much already, you’re not coming back in again. No one gets to sneak in my back passageway, fly away back to heaven “. Then I’ll wake up and realise it was only a queer dream but write it down as if it really happened because obviously dreams are made in heaven.
[actually it was quite dark so I didn't see him too well but I felt his presence ]
Old Father Pricemas puts the fun back into Christmas by taking the sting out of its tale. Give your loved ones a cracker of a Xmas by giving the gift of the priceless,' Reason driven life', which will make life go with a bang and fit us all for heaven, if there's one there. TRDL -only $17.45-a down to earth price for heaven on earth.
I'll be laughing on the other side of my face if Christ comes through the clouds on his sleigh with a heigh ho, heigh ho, it's back to work we go. Heigh maybe he will come down my chimney, but he might look like a white & black minstrel. Probably his robes are non stick & self cleaning though. Maybe he'll delegate to his dwarves. Maybe instead of bringing presents he'll take us all up to heaven! Fantastic. I hope his wounds have healed up by now. Probably, unless it required prayer.
I’m ok about Jesus coming down my chimney but if he appears in my bedroom singing, “ Jesus loves you this I know “, I will tell him, “ No thanks mate , go and find someone else to love, you’ve buggered my life too much already, you’re not coming back in again. No one gets to sneak in my back passageway, fly away back to heaven “. Then I’ll wake up and realise it was only a queer dream but write it down as if it really happened because obviously dreams are made in heaven.
[actually it was quite dark so I didn't see him too well but I felt his presence ]
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